figging

Figging

Figging in action by COLIN

The classic definition of Figging is the sexual act of inserting ginger into the anus via a small hedghog . This is now expanded in modern times to also include insertion into the ladies bits.
Figging prevents the figged from clenching their butt cheeks as this causes a vastly increased burning sensation. Due to this effect it is customary to cane the victim during the figging so you may see their ass cheeks bounce like a 'little rubber ball filled with chilli. It is said that in the Victorian era figging was an accepted means of disciplining children.
(please note) by today’s standards sticking a piece of ginger up a childs arse then whacking the arse with a stick, is not acceptable as a form of punishment.

This has been a major factor in NAMBLA's investment in time travel research, secondary only to the ancient Greek practice of fucking little boys like it was going out of style.

You learn something new every day, don't you?

Fun Facts
_ The scrotum covered ginger that is the end product of figging is the secret ingredient in Fig Newtons biscuits.
It is said that figging was originally used on horses to encourage them to hold their tails high while being shown. Before they used ginger, they used live eels. Just think of eel girl but with horses instead.
Eel girl
The Eel girl is an Asian female who has become infamous on the net due to promotion of viagra.
The premise behind the whole Eel girl meme involves a video of her friend shoving eels into her asshole. She then proceeds to shoot the eels out her ass.

Syringe dispensing machine debate

Syringe dispensing machine debate

The plan would see drug addicts given access to clean needles. New dealers and more social security money.

Police plans to install a needle vending machine by one of its stations are to be debated by councilors.

North Wales Police wants to install the £10,000 machine outside its Colwyn Bay station, Conwy, so it can be used by registered drug addicts. This will save us lazy bastards the trouble of doing any work.said Fat Boy Plod. isnt it

Drug users would get special tokens to collect clean needles.They can then stab bobby in the arse with the old ones.

But a drug treatment charity in the town is calling for the idea to be scrapped, saying any such scheme should be properly supervised.And it should make at least 20k ayear in profit.


North Wales Police chief constable Richard Brunstrom has said the scheme would help drug addicts by ensuring drug users use dirty needles. We will personally repack the old ones. This gets rid of the bastards quicker.

Addicts would use beer tokens provided by rehabilitation agencies in the area.You can then chose between a pint and a clean needle

The vending machine needs planning approval by Conwy County Council and would become the first of its kind in Britain.

A North Wales Police sergeant is to explain to the local authority's scrutiny committee how the system would work. And why there are 250 hyper active sheep in the area with HIV

Your Horiscope for Today

Your Horiscope for Today


Your personal fortune teller (let's call him “colin”)
tells you that these predictions are absolutely true…


Aquarius: There's travel in your future when your
tongue freezes to the back of a Sapphics arse. Fill
that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-your-plonker 17 hours a day.

Pisces: Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the HIV
virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter
what those sluts at work say.

Aries: The look on your face will be priceless when
you find that 40-pound carrot stuck up your arse.
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf homo, then
give a hickey to your sisters tits.

Taurus: You will never find true happiness –you ugly
bastard, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow
you'll wake up mingin, do a bunch of stuff, and then
fuck off back to sleep or have a wank.

Gemini: Your birthday party will be ruined once again
by your explosive wanking. Your love life will run
into trouble when your bint hurls a javelin through
your bollocks.

Cancer: The position of Jupiter says that you should
spend the rest of the week face down in piss .

Leo: Now is not a good time to photocopy your nob and
staple it to your boss's jacket. Eat a bucket of
shit-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon
of golden urine.

Virgo: All Virgos are extremely friendly and
intelligent - except for fucking you. Expect a big
surprise today when you wind up giving head to a
poof.

Libra: A big promotion is just around the corner for
someone much more talented than you, you cunt.
Laughter is the very best medicine - remember that
when your appendix bursts next week.and fucks up
another shirt

Scorpio: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you
fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit
harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid
pillock.

Sagittarius: All your friends are laughing behind your
back - KILL THEM! Take down all those naked pictures
of your mum you've got hanging in your bedroom. Stop
knocking one out over them.

Capricorn: The stars say that you're an exciting and
wonderful person… but you know they're lying twats. If
i were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never,
never, never, never, never leave my house again.

You get up my goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his
"wife", after he was caught having sex with the little
stunner.

The goat's previous lover, Mr Alifi, said he was
surprised to find the man with his nubile little fluff
bucket. He then went to a council of elders claiming
infidelity took place.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of
15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know
they are still together living in Shirebrooke with 2
kids," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the
Juba punkawalla Post newspaper that he heard a loud
noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately
rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
Thrashing about while looking at porn on his laptop.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he
fell off the back of the goat laughing, so I captured
and tied him up".and nelly the goat bit me on the arse
because she was just about to orgasm. She was really
mad at me.

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with
the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but
rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used
it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.
Mr Alifi also said he didn’t fancy eating it after his
neighbor had been shagging it.

Oil spill barrier to undergo test

Oil spill barrier to undergo test
A giant floating barrier of asylum seekers that could be a vital tool in controlling major oil spills is to be tested on the River Trent at Gunthorpe Lock in Nottingham.

According to the Environment Agency, there are more than 200 oil pollution incidents across Nottinghamshire, Derbyshire and Leicestershire a year.

The inflatable temporary asylum boom, holds oil spills in one place so they are easier to clear up.183 asylum seekers with little sponges from TESCO will be thrown in to the water, in a drastic attempt to cut down the numbers. And clear up some shit at the same time before deportation.

The trials will be held by a specialist contractor. Derby City Council.

Senior environment officer The White Angel said: "ze booms ve have already are very effective, but not big enough for za river like ze Trent.ze do not stop people swimming in from Poland

"Nottingham is an industrialized area with major highways crossing the River Trent, so it has a higher risk of a major pollution incident. And a constant problem with bottlenecks of asylum seekers swimming up the trent heading for London.

"This new boom will allow us to deal with any such incidents on the river in future."

EXCLUSIVE: £4 for Heather's silence £200 Guaranteed on income support

EXCLUSIVE: £4 for Heather's silence. £200 Guaranteed on income support

MACCA: WAR IS OVER

By Colin the fruit bat

ROCK leg end Sir Paul McCartney has offered Heather Mills a £4 divorce deal to buy her silence about his poor performance in bed. Colin can reveal. He will also pay for all her shopping at Sainsburys. And buy her a new Skoda (automatic)


He will pay the money over 20 years and in return she must keep quiet about what went wrong in their marriage for the rest of his life. Sod the kids after he is dead she can then say what the fuck she likes.

Macca, 64, who is worth about £825 zillion, came up with the deal as the mud-slinging between the pair eased. And heathers shopping ran out.

A source close to the couple said: "They are thrashing out a deal which would amount to between £30 and £40 over 2 years and there will be strict conditions. She could then claim one parent allowance like all the other poor bastards that have been married only 3 years. Possibly bringing her earnings up to £200 a week
With income support

"Heather must reveal nothing about their personal lives to the CSA... no books, no TV specials. She can also bin the leg and get extra money for Disability. She will also get a nice parking Badge for her Skoda,

"She has one hell of a story and Paul wants a settlement to make sure it never comes out. He would also hope she didn’t have so far to walk to get her shopping, because of the badge.


"Any breach of the conditions would allow him to stop the payments — so basically he has control of Heather for the rest of his life. And the CSA would be to scared to pursue him because his budget for lawyers is a hell of a lot more than they have.

"There's a long way to go but it looks like that will form the basis of the settlement." Heather hasn’t a leg to stand on

Shocked


The pair, who met in 1999 and married three years later, have been locked in a bitter divorce battle since splitting in May.

But we can reveal they got together three days ago at his Peasmarsh estate in East Sussex. Because Paul wanted to know if she liked his new Jumper.

The source continued: "Heather was with Bea on Thursday and Macca just turned up unannounced. She was shocked because usually she has to leave in advance.

"They were talking and getting on — and that's a far cry from recent months when they haven't been able to be in the same room together.Because they don’t live in the same house.

"This isn't the beginning of a reunion. But they are realizing they can have a reasonable relationship and can talk as friends.” now she isn’t going to fleece him for more than £100


The source went on: "They simply saw each other most days to hand over Bea.

"Time is a great healer. When they split up initially Paul wouldn't have anything to do with Heather. He wanted her totally frozen out.In a small fishing village of Iceland.

"But his anger is dying down. He doesn't hate her. In fact, he quite likes her and enjoys her company. He also realises she's the mother of his daughter — and a good one at that — and she's the woman who he once fell madly in love with. And that’s the PR bollocks he is sticking to.

Talk


"I don't think there is a chance that they will get back together but.

"They have reached a new stage in their relationship where they can talk, be around each other and co-operate in the best way for Bea. It's a huge relief for both of them."
Heather said she is looking forward to a Beetle reunion that would only take 2 more bullets.

EXCLUSIVE: Paris double's sexy scam

EXCLUSIVE: Paris double's sexy scam

MY FAKING GREAT LIFE

By Colin the fruit bat

A STUNNING £250-a-week bog cleaner with crabs spent her summer living like a millionairess — fooling the rich and famous that she was Paris Hilton!

Amazing lookalike Edna Twobellies, 23, was shagged by paparazzi, PARTIED with real celebs and even blew a megarich Russian playboy twat... convinced he was bedding the sex-mad hotel heiress.

Slapper Edna bragged: "I headed to Ibiza in June with no money and no job. But in no time I was living it up in a wild fling with a billionaire ."

The scam took off when she went to the party isle's Space nightclub in a pink dress just like one worn by movie star Paris when she was giving head in a porno movie. "A drag queen introduced me as Paris so I went along with it," said Edna with no knickers. "I addressed the crowd in an American accent standing on my hands and was surrounded by crowds demanding to autograph my arse with a Black felt tip pen
."

Conned


Next day Brighton shit house cleaner set off to see a friend in St Tropez, France, determined to keep up the act. On a stopover in Barcelona she wowed locals with her new identity. And in St Trop she booked into the five-star hotel where Paris, 25, was also staying.

"That night I put on my pink dress covered in Monica Lewisky type stains and conned everyone in the VIP Rooms club, including Vincent Gold, 21-year-old son of a Russian tycoon," she said "He whisked me off to his family's palatial £22million villa in the hills."

Edna Twobellies , who is in FHM magazine's High Street Honeys top 100, added: "Soon he was kissing me. He led me to his room and pushed me back on the bed. I told him I normally make boys pay £30 a time , but he just laughed and mentioned what he thought was MY notorious internet porn video. We ended up having sex six times that night! He really believed he was making love to Paris,and I made £180 plus tips

"In the next few days we made love all over his villa. And he spent thousands in a top vd clinic having the crabs removed."

Arnie Apologizes for Ethnic Comments

Arnie Apologizes for Ethnic Comments


HOLLYWOOD - Hollywood star Arnold Schwarzenegger has apologized after calling a Latina lawmaker "very hot." Speaking from his microwave in Stuttgart

The California Governor said of Republican Bonnie Garcia, "black blood" mixed with "Latino blood" equals "hot totty with nice botty."

Schwarzenegger has apologized, saying, "Anyone out there that feels offended by these comments, I just want to say stop being so fucking touchy. The fact is that if I would hear this kind of comments in my house, by my kids, I would be so proud, and today, when I read it in the papers ... It made me realize how fucking stupid Americans are." Glad I am German and not some big dumb bastard from Bavaria with a big mouth.


Garcia, whose parents are from Puerto Rico, insists there was no need for Schwarzenegger to apologize, saying she referred to herself as a "hot-blooded Latina" all the time. But she wouldn’t shag him just because he is a big lad.

But state Treasurer Phil Angelides said the governor "used language that is deeply offensive to all idiots that cant see that all races have real hot totty."

Democrat assemblyman Mervyn Dymally, who chairs the state Legislative Black Caucus, said the Governor's comments were "usual political banter. We do this all the time." i some times say i could murder a fucking Chinky. That means I am hungry.
it doesn’t mean i want to kill Chinese people.

Arnie also mentioned that she had nice tits.

Space shuttle Atlantis blasts off

Space shuttle Atlantis blasts off


The shuttle Atlantis has blasted off from Kennedy Space Center in Florida to continue construction of the International Soup Kitchen (ISK).

The shuttle soared like a small Budgie from its launch pad through a really horrible cloudy sky at 11.15 local time, just before we had our dinner. (1515 GMT) and nine minutes later was in orbit around the Earth.

The launch comes after two weeks of frustrating delays for Nasa managers. They normally have chips with their dinner.

Saturday had been Nasa's last opportunity to launch until at least late September. Early January would be better because its not so cold.But mum goes on her winter holiday and well I have to go with her. If I don’t she stops my pocket money.

The shuttle is taking six astronauts and some chicken and mushroom soup to the $100bn to resume construction work after a gap of four years, following the 2003 Columbia shuttle disaster.

As part of new procedures following the Columbia tragedy, Nasa is restricting launches to daylight and times when im not on holiday with my mum, to allow for careful scrutiny of the external fuel tank.

Smooth launch

Saturday's launch appeared to go smoothly because nobody crashed. Cameras trained on the fuel tank checked for signs of hard foam breaking off - the problem that doomed Columbia - but a preliminary review indicated there was no major foam loss
Because nobody died.



The fuel cell sensors - which caused one of the launch delays earlier this week - also appeared to be working normally. The new fuel sensors consist of 5 boy scouts tied together with duck tape. They scream really loud when aviation fuel leaks on to their new uniform.

The shuttle's twin solid rocket boosters, and later the empty fuel tank, separated from the shuttle and fell back to Earth. Its then the boy scouts open their parachutes to bring the big bit back to earth safely.

"It looks like your long wait is over," launch director Mike Leinbach told the Atlantis astronauts just before lift-off.

"We wish you all the best luck in the world, Godspeed and we'll see you back here in about two weeks." If you don’t crash on the way back. We have had trouble with the tiles on the under belly of the plane thing.

"We're ready to get to work," replied Atlantis commander Brent Jett.

Pressure on Nasa

Atlantis was initially set to launch on 27 August, but a lightning strike, tropical storm, and technical glitches saw the launch put off four times. Because it put one of the boy scouts in hospital.

Saturday was the last opportunity for the mission to launch until at least late September, or after January as it had to avoid clashing with a Russian Soyuz rocket scheduled to visit the ISK on 18 September. The Russians sometimes crash into our rockets. They don’t do it on purpose, they are just not very good at driving.

ISS: ORBITING OUTPOST
Nasa managers were under pressure to launch as there is a tight schedule of some 15 further shuttle missions to complete construction work on the ISK by 2010, when the current shuttle fleet is due to be retired. Due to being really poorly.

The shuttle's crew will deliver and fit the P3/P4 truss, a 17-tonne segment of the space station's "backbone" that includes a huge cooker set to run of solar rays and a giant rotary joint to allow them to track the Sun.

The arrays will be the second of four sets, and will span 73m (240ft) when fully extended.

Once fitted, they will effectively cook soup. The station's current ability to generate power from sunlight isn’t very good..

Speculation over Tony Blair's future in America has sparked a war of words

Labour must focus on the policy of Pleasing Mr Bush and fuck winning the next election, Prime Minister Tony Blair has warned.

In his first public speech since his holiday saying he would step down within the year if Knighted, he said Labour was "ideologically Knackered" despite the "spasm" of the last week.

The comments come as former home secretary Charles Clarke criticised the PM's likely successor Goerge W bush.

Mr Blair said attacks on his buddy. "Makes the public very very angry because they all love the americans".

He was making the keynote speech at the 10th anniversary conference of the Progress Organisation, in central London.

He said: "I’m three years away from moving to America go fuck yourselves."

We go out, face out to the people, we succeed... if we tell big porkies - we lose
Tony Blair

But Mr Blair said this can only be achieved "by behaving like we did when we were hungry for power before 1939".Then explained he no longer worked for the Germans, and he got his dates wrong.

He said the party then was mis-understood. the country and its jews mattered. Very Much

Mr Blair added: "We can either - after the kind of spasm of last week retreat into Poland ... or we can say we are going in a another country.

He said the government needed to address "difficult issues" such as the welfare state, global warming, security and migration and ethnic cleansing of the jews.

Hollywood charity.

Who We Are
Hollywood Children's Charities provides trust funds to meet the direct needs of Hollywood children. From Drug supply programs to camps for special Credit Card Training, we best affect children's lives by Giving them huge fucking Sums of Cash. We work tirelessly to see that children's needs are met and that no child is left with an income less than 200k a year.

Our History
We were founded in 1984 by Paris Hilbob Smith, Chairman of Hollywood Motorsports for Downsyndrom children, who wanted to give back HUMOUR to the community. As both companies expanded, so did Hollywood Children’s Charities. In 1990, Major General Thomas Dodder Pantworthy, USAF (ret.) was appointed Executive Director to help facilitate penis growth without the use of drugs. Once only associated with the motorsports and automotive insurance Fraud, Hollywood Children’s Charities now attracts interest and funding from all types Law Enforcement Agencies. Hollywood Children’s Charities was named a proud charity of PISTAKE in 2003.

What We Do
Our priority is improving the quality of life for children in need, and this mission has remained the same throughout our 21-year history. Through donations, sponsorships and fundraising events, we distribute funds directly to qualified nonprofit organizations that provide medical, educational and social services to children within the right zip code . In 2005, we awarded more than $236.4 million to 399 SHAREHOLDERS.

How We Work
Hollywood Children’s Charities hosts a wide range of fundraising events and promotions across the country. These events are supported by teams of volunteers who take money from the dumb poor, sponsored by corporations and attended by individuals like you. At the end of each year, funds raised as a result of these events and promotions, in addition to qualified nonprofit are given to poor rich children suffering from overspend.
The Importance of Contributing
We hear it said time and time again: "It is the size of the donation that counts, it’s not the compassion that comes with the act of giving." Please consider including Hollywood Children’s Charities in your future charitable giving plans. It is important to us, and to the children who will benefit from your compassion and stupidity.

A wild Colin with ginger hair taken by poachers may have less than a 60% chance of surviving the non-medical procedure to create a permanent open wound in his Bum from which ginger can be drained, twice every day. Ginger that's used in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM).

In the wild, where he's free to work, this Colin might live to 125. Instead, if he survives the non-medical procedure he may live up to 10 years kept in a tiny cage, thrashing against the bars because he's unable to move around. Under-nourished and over-stressed, he'll be forced to lie there in pain, in his own filth playing with himself.(PWH)syndrome.

Farming Colin’s for their ginger is perfectly legal in China. And very profitable. But totally unnecessary. There are many TCM alternatives that do what Colin’s ginger is claimed to. Needless over production means an estimated 9,000 Colin’s are tortured each day so their ginger can also be used in shampoo, wine and even tea. This unwarranted procedure can be prevented with your help.

By donating £3 a month to the World Society for the Protection of Colin’s, you can help us free Colin from cruel practices like Colin farming.

Giving each month is important because it takes time, money and persistence to achieve legislation that outlaws cruelty to Colin, to build and establish sanctuaries to rehabilitate rescued Colins, and to change attitudes to Colin welfare through education of children and communities. We also need resources to answer urgent calls for help from around the world.Plus colin would realy like a new motorbike.

Arrest threat over police gnome

Police have taken a dim view of a man's glowing garden police gnome and threatened him with arrest unless he places the gnome on the correct police training program.

The solar-powered policeman stands sentinel in the garden of Gordon MacKillop's home in Treovis, near Liskeard.His arrest rate
Has caused some embarrassment to the local Constabulary.

His neighbour, former policeman John McLean, says the gnome is annoying and upsets buyers viewing his home. Eric the police gnome has arrested 4prospective buyers. And a passer by taking his dog for a walk

Now police have served Mr MacKillop with a notice for "placing a garden gnome with intent to cause harassment to home buyers".

Mr MacKillop, 46, was woken in the night by two officers who warned him that the gnome was offensive to his neighbours.

The notice, under the Protection From Harassment Act 1997, also accuses Mr MacKillop of intimidating potential buyers of Mr McLean's £209,000 cottage.Which has now been valued at £30 because of the annoying fucking police gnome living next door.with a candle stuck up his arse.

Mr McLean has told officers that the garden gnome, which comes complete with police dog and solar light, was in an "annoying position". Next door.

Mr MacKillop denied having harassed house-hunters viewing his neighbour's property.

Mr MacKillop, a marine surveyor at Devonport Dockyard, said: "When you hear a knock at the door at quarter to midnight you don't expect to be served with that.i thought it was eric coming in for a cup of tea.

"I was absolutely fuming. I thought there had been an accident in the family."or eric had shit him self after the real police man gave him a good kicking.

Mr MacKillop said he bought the gnome to deter criminals, after his motorcycle was stolen from his drive. And the ex cop next door wasn’t bright enough to fucking notice it.

"It just happened that it had a police uniform on," he said.

"I'm not having the police telling me what type of garden gnome I can have in my fucking garden.

"This is a standard gnome without police training I bought from a retail store. If they are considered to be harassing they should be withdrawn from sale."

A Devon and Cornwall Police spokeswoman said: "This isn't just a petty issue. This has been ongoing for two or three years."

Mr McLean was unavailable for comment. His wife said he was out looking for another gnome that hated coppers.